Friday, February 01, 2008

N, O Means I am Run Out of Ideas!

Is it a narwhal or a nun's nipple? Nobody know for sure!


No more proof of God’s existence is necessary than the astounding narwhal, which can live for three years on the starch in a mouthful of human spittle. Collective noun: a banter. Nobody has ever seen one in the wild.


“Lots of children have a bouncy castle on their birthday.”
“Si. But not in November. After school. In the dark. Was pitch black out there. My little boy lost two teeth.”

Nipples, Nuns’

They serve neither reproductive nor recreational purpose, and therefore the existence of nuns’ nipples provide conclusive evidence that Darwinism is nonsense. (Please note: I have not done the necessary practical research to ascertain whether all nuns have nipples, because it would be against the law, but there are certain Internet sites you can go to where you will see nuns clearly displaying breasts with nipples attached). As with the narwhal, nobody has ever seen them in the wild.

Oderick, Saint

Strangled with his own tendons while they were still connected to his legs

One-Legged Men

Have larger penises than normal men. There is nowhere else for the blood to go.

Organ Donation

Against God’s will, like so much else. People’s reluctance to donate organs is an indication of their common sense and Divinely endowed wisdom, although only the Catholic Church can interpret it correctly. Of course, the lack of organs could easily be remedied by introducing organ swaps: If you receive a kidney, you should be required to give an eye, say. Or vice-versa. Is one way of halting the trade of cheap, low-quality kidneys from the Third World.


How many orgasms did the Virgin Mary have? None. She was a woman.

Is an old joke, I know, but is also poignant, if that is a word. In fact, not many people today are realizing that it is possible for a woman to have as many as four orgasms in six minutes whereas a man can only have one orgasm in every 15. This means that women can have multiple lovers in the same amount of time as men have just one. This is yet another reason why women’s wild sexual urges must be controlled by men; the best way so far invented is marriage.


Generally not a good idea.

Our Lady

Squeamish liberal do-gooders tend to forget that Mary was 12 years old when Jesus was born, which has significant implications for Our Lord’s views concerning the age of consent. Also, presumably, he did not just pick any pubescent girl knocking around Galilee but, being all-seeing, went around and had a good look at all of them until he find one that rock his boat sufficiently.

This is not to say that paedophiles should not be executed, of course. Indeed, their behaviour is not just obscene but also blasphemous, because it is like that they are pretending they are God. This alone should be punishable by death. But it does also highlight in modern society how we have let teenagers get away with an extended childhood. Once upon a time, all children were working at age 12. There are so many unnecessary protections today that enfeeble their character and render them useless for anything but jobs in the media.


If owls are so bloody wise, how come they live on mice and beetles? You wouldn't know where they've been.

No comments: