Carme Chacón Give Me Morning Sickness!

She is looking with envy at the size of their trombones! "I will put a stop to that," she is thinking.

The latest travesty from the Zapatero circus which we laughingly call the government is the news that the pregnant minister for defence, who is a woman (but not a lady), has imposed strict censorship on staff which prevent them from surfing the Internet while they are at work in order to look for the football results or to find pictures of naked women, whether they are pregnant or not. Is a big disgrace!

Could it have something to do with the fact that she is Catalan and Barcelona is doing shite in Primera Liga this year? Is this why she has banned web sites of Madrid sports newspapers but not the partisan and biased Catalan media? And why, we must wonder, have she banned perfectly normal heterosexual pornography but not gay magazines? If she were a man, she would know full well that all men get unwanted erections in the workplace, every afternnon, around 3.00 p.m., so it is essential they look at images of naked women and not naked men before they skulk off to the office toilets to relieve themselves. I understand that the Ministry, which is almost all staffed by men, operates a rota system which is posted on the noticeboard in the kitchen, informing all staff of when the toilet is free for their use. With woman in charge, I espect that now she will even ban masturbating at work. It make me sick.

Is not that I object to censorship, you understand. Nor does anyone in the military. What is objectionable is having some mad woman, her head filled with deranged notions because of the hormones raging through her fecund body, being let loose around a government department where there are knives, guns, missiles, a very espensive surveillance system, including the Internet, and a very important esprit de corps based on virility, duty, obedience, male bonding, and laying your body down for your comrades. Ask your self this: Who in their right minds would let a pregnant woman decide what you can or cannot watch on television? Is bad enough trying to watch the football on television when your girlfriend is NOT pregnant, I imagine. So think what it must be like if she was pregnant. And just consider what impact this is having on morale in the ministry, especially when Madrid are doing so well (ten points ahead of Villareal, 11 points ahead of the stupid Catalans).

The head of the AUME, which is the military association, make the observation that this behaviour by Chacón is just like the sort of thing a parent is doing when she want to filter the Internet access of her children. He is quite right. Chacón is treating the staff of the ministry like they are her children. Is probably a good thing she doesn't have any, then!

Is Pretty Ugly in Pink!

Once again, the socialist prime minister of Spain, the moron Zapatero, has made a laughing stock of our country by including seven middle-aged women in his cabinet, making it the first mostly female cabinet in Spanish history. El Generalisimo must be spinning in his grave like a strombola. Is this what we fought the Civil War for Golf for? No! We fought it so that men would have good food on the table when they come home after a vigiourous 18 holes, so that our children would have someone masculine and powerful to admire and also someone to wipe their arseholes, so that the bordellos would be filled with exotic, accommodating foreing women and the churches filled with pious gossiping mean-spirited pinch-faced worn-out Spanish women. Is a big disgrace that everything is going bottoms up!

To make matters worse, the Italian pompernel Silvio Berlusconi, who himself has only just managed to squeeze back into his prime ministerial corset, has been making jokes about it. He is saying to have said that Zapatero's government is "surrendering the pink," a technical term which means that they have sold out to the Soft Left (such as the trades unions, the labia movement, and so on). When your government is being made fun of by an ageing misogynistic cruise-ship entertainer with dyed hair, you know you are in trouble. Zapatero will have to bring out the big guns, I espect, and retaliate using Julio Iglesias.

But you know, none of this would have happened, were it not for the fact that the only reason Zapatero include these women in his cabinet in the first place was to encourage sales for their crappy calendar!

Whoever You Vote For, the Government Get In!

I recently receive an invitation to contribute a regular feature to the online magazine ILR, which I am reliably informed stands for Irish Life Review. This is a wonderful opportunity for me to confront the Irish people with their own natural fascistic tendencies, bring them back to the Holy Roman Catholic Chruch, and to reintegrate and rehabilitate myself back into Irish society, at least psychologically, prior to my actual, physical move back there. Below is my first contribution to the site.

So similar they could almost be family, yet behind the scenes they despise one another.

You probly have not have noticed, but in the United States of America at the moment there is a dramatic historical event taking place that will change forever the face of politics. In the race for the presidency, both of the candidates for the Democratic Party nomination are from a minority. If either Hillary Clinton or Barack O'Bama win the presidency, it will be the first time ever that the United States has had a president with an Irish inheritance. Consequently, all their relations in Ireland is cheering on the candidates and hoping they both will win, although they are preferring Hillary a little bit more because they remember when her husband was president and came over to Northern Ireland in order to interfere in the war there (which is what American presidents are paid to do).

Hillary, whose full name is Hillary Rodman Clinton, is well known for advocating the universal health care, social sufficiency, and for wanting to turn all the country's cities into villages, as outlined in her book It Takes a Village People. Specifically, she wants all cities to become like the Greenwich Village, a neighborhood of New York which is full of bourgeois bohemians (such as herself), as well as feckless homosexualists, violent poets, and flaming anarcho-syndicalists. Is a big disgrace! And also it demonstrate conclusively that Hillary have no idea whatsoever what real village life is like. Where, for instance, will all the peasants live? What weapons will the priests be allowed to carry to protect and defend themselves against communists? At what time will the curfew come into effect? Who will supply the angel dust? She has no answers to any of these questions, and I am amazed that O'Bama has not drawn attention to this.

There is a further problem with Hillary's campaign, too, which is her image: She is not able to fake sincerity anything like as well as other politicians. You would think she could get lessons from her husband, who was famous for his fake charm and charisma, but I espect she doesn't want to be accused of nepotism or of spendthrift practices, which make perfect sense given that she will be a woman in charge of the nation's shopping. Sadly, her failure to cheer up properly mean that people are saying she is a bit of a cold fish and that when she smile it look more like a death-bed rictus than empathic warmth. For any world leader this is a major concern. As the people of Ireland can testify, it is much less painful to be screwed by the government when it is cuddly and approachable. You might even feel admiration for its cuteness. Hillary is just not cute.

As for O'Bama himself, I don't not know the first thing about him. But he is my favourite.

Regardless of which of the Democratic candidates win the nomination, they will still have to get past the Republican nominee, John McCain, the Oven Chip fridge magnate, who has already beaten off all his rivals in his own party (this is the traditional way the Republicans choose their nominee). In addition to being the Republican candidate, McCain is also the Manchurian Candidate, having spent many of his formative years as a prisoner of the Vietnamese. For many Americans, McCain's sacrifice for his country during a time of war is regarded as a positive attribute, yet I cannot help but think that they are forgetting two things: (1) He got caught. It demonstrates a definite lack of circumspection when even a moron like George W. Bush was able to avoid getting captured by the Vietnamese; and (2) Should the American people really trust a man who has spent so much time associating with terrorists? After all, let's not forget Terry Waite, who returned home from Beirut physically in one piece but mentally deranged, spouting some sinister and psychopathic philosophy about turning the other cheek and loving one's enemy. Where did all that all come from!? Is a classic case of Stockhausen syndrome.*

Of course, anyone who knows anything about American politics will appreciate that this entire circus is an irrelevancy. As you can see in the photograph of the three candidates above, they are all very similar in terms of their style as well as in their policies. But more to the point, the Judaeo-Masonic conspiracy that runs the secret government of the United States is not going to let something as important as ruling the country depend on the vagaries of the electoral process. They have learned what we in Spain knew more than 70 years ago: The people are scum and cannot be trusted to do anything correct, let alone wield political power. Even though I regard myself as a stalwart and lifelong enemy of the Illuminati cabal that runs America, even I recognise that it is better to have a dictatorship of evildoers than no dictatorship at all.

Rather than make people go through the tedious and irrelevant process of voting, it may be more fun and just as instructive for the candidates to perform in front of Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Abdul Paula, and then let the nation's teenage girls phone in to decide. Who would win, do you think? Would it be O'Bama's boyish good looks? Hillary's Girl Power? or maybe McCain's gnarly avuncularity? I do not know, but then it does not matter: The true winner will be television, and these days, that seem to be all that matters!





*Karl-Heinz Stockhausen was a music composer who described the attacks of 9/11 as the greatest work of art imaginable. Admiration for one's enemy such as this is also known as Fiskitis.

Take Your Filthy Paws Off Me, You Damn Dirty Ape!!

Is one of my favourite films of all time:
Behind the Planet of the Apes

Was a very sad event at the last weekend. In California, local law enforcement officers finally prised the rifle from the cold, dead hands of Charlton Heston, film star and actor and famous member of the IRA. Is reported that even some of the policemen there could not contain themselves and had to be relieved.

Heston was made famous by his famous homo-erotic movie Ben-Her, about a Jew who becomes a Christian when he fall in love with Jesus, escept not in a holesome way. As is well known, pervert and atheist communist intellectual Gore Vidal was responsible for the script, which featured lots of kneeling in front of centurions with bullwhips, riding chariots in skimpy clothes, and fisting. In later years, Heston put his participation down to youthful esuberance, and he try to make things better by starring as Moses the Law Breaker in The Ten Commandments, although how posing as the founder of the Jews is an improvement is beyond my understanding. It was in that movie, however, that Heston was introduced to the Ten Commandments in person, one of which, as you know, says that every American has the right to bare arms, which Heston was very keen on doing.

This was a turning point for him in his career. From this point on, Heston become a sensible right-wing zealot, opposing gun control, abortion rights, ladies, and so on. This led to him being cast as the protagonist, John Taylor, in the anti-immigration movie The Planet of the Apes, as well as all the sequels: Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Behind the Planet of the Apes, The Planet of the Apes Must Die, and Goodbye, Mr. Chimps.

The original Planet of the Apes was based on the book Monkey Planet, by French novelist Patty Boullay, and is a stark, dire warning about what will happen to the white man if he let the monkeys take over by letting them all into the country. In the future, they will be running the place: doing jobs, scrounging on the dole, being in the army, taking advantage of our decentness, and so on. For most people, this important message was lost in the movie because the monkeys look nothing like foreingers for the most part, and it is only right at the end of the film, when Taylor realize that he is really still in England, that the true message of the book come to the fore and Taylor screams, "Damn You! Damn You All! Enoch was right!"

After making the Ape movies, Heston go into politics, supporting Ronald Reagan and fighting against gun control. Sadly, however, he come down with the Alzheimer's disease toward the end of his life, so that when he try to revive his acting career, in the esecrable Bowling for Columbine movie, he kept on forgetting his lines, he make a big fluff of his appearance, and eventually he have to be carried back into his house by Michael Moorecock, the fat director, who also make Fahrentheit 451 and has a new movie out, Psycho, originally made by his father, Alfred.

Many decent-thinking people will be missing Charlton Heston now he is gone; I, for one, would have liked to have seen him take on the ultimate acting role, El Generalisimo, before he died. This is not so likely, now, however, unless they use him only for the final scenes.

He would not even have to act!

Is Dead Man Walking!

Is Charley Ahern makeing his retirement speech on the steps of Dail Eireann alongside John O'Gormley and Biff O'Cowen.

Even though the story that is making everyone in Ireland laugh today is the news that Charley Ahern will be put down on May 6, the funny news that is making everybody laugh today in Spain is not the Dead Man Walking but the Living Man Lying Down.

Police in a small town near Valencia was alerted to a man breaking into a mortuary by neighbours, who were alive, but when the police get there, there is no sign of the burglar at all escept for him lying on a slab in his grungy anorak under the sheets!

According to the police, they knew he was not a corpse because (1) all the corpses round their way dress much better than the burglarer, wearing their Sunday best when they are going to their funeral, and (2) they could see the glow of his cigarette under the sheet. Even in Spain, most corpses give up smoking when they die.

As yet, the police are being unable to esplain why the man would break into a mortuary in the first place. Is not like there are any nice-looking girls in there or any decent drugs he could steal.

My suspicion is that he had heard the news about Charley from Dublin, and he feel that life was just not worth living any more.

Is a joke!!