Ask a Man Who Knows!!

You Can Trust Me, Sir. I'm a Priest.

One of the upsides to all this kerfuffle about sexual abuse and the clergy is that it will lay to rest forever the argument that priests are in no position to offer marital or sexual advice because of their lack of esperience. On the contrary, we now know that priests have been getting much more sex than the rest of the adult population and are therefore probly in a far much better position to offer tips about handjobs, blowjobs, snowjobs, dogging, catting, and hamstering than any of the so-called "experts" in the back pages of Marie-Claire, Cosmoplolitan, and Model Railroader magazine. I know that if ever I was having sexual problems, such as a disobedient wife or penis, the first person I would go to ask about it would be Father Pedro. Well, after I had spoken to the girl at Samaritans on the phone and pulled myself off; I don't want to turn up at Father Pedro's and halfway through our frank and candid discussion about rubberwear develop an unwanted espression of friendliness in my trousers that he might miscontrue.

I am not alone in this belief, it would appear. The news is reporting that "a Polish Catholic priest has published a book which provides married couples with a theological and practical guide to spicing up their sex lives." Father Kasweary Kuntz is the author of Sex for Catholics: Getting Away with Getting It Up, which presents advice for married Catholic couples on how to spice up their sex lives while remaining faithful to Our Lady. He recommends, for esample, inviting in some Protestants to watch, not because voyeurism is intrinsically arousing but because their presence will provide an incentive to show much how much better it is to be Catholic (Protestants are not allowed to remove their socks or underwear, for instance, whereas Catholics can engage in all sorts of toe sucking and sole scratching). Another suggestion from Father Kuntz is that the husband make a donation to the church every time his wife suck his balls, which is clever because ladies are traditionally more pious than men and so will want the church to benefit from their actions, but they also know that sex is a filthy disgusting evil activity, especially when men are involved, so they are frequently reluctant, I am told, to lick any part of the male anatomy, with the possible esception of the elbow. Following Father Kuntz's advice, however, will render prostitution entirely unnecessary ever again.

Some peoples may look askance at a sex book by a priest, but Father Kuntz insists that all of his tips and advice are in keeping with the teachings of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. He discourages the use of contraceptives, for esample, because they lead Catholic couples down a slippery slope, especially if they have used lubrication at the same time. Before they know it, they will not just be using contraceptives but also engaging in all manner of Protestant activities, such as homosexuality, reading the Bible for themselves, and teabagging.

Besides, says Father Kuntz, as many priests will tell you, they never had to use a contraceptive once, and yet their sexual partners NEVER get pregnant. God knows his own and takes care of them. And so does the Catholic Church!

Pay Attention Juan Carlos!!

And This Does Not Include My Duke of Edinburgh Award!!

Si, is the Prince Phillips of England, spouse of the Queen but not a king himself, just a sort of male First Lady, but with more balls than Laura the Bush and Michelle the Obama, although not Hillary the Clinton. Indeed, some people are say that Prince Phillips compensates for not being the king by his escessively aggressive xenophobia, homophobia, hydrophobia, quadrophenia, and misogyny, but I say, "not at all!" There is nothing escessive about any bits of him! In fact, he is an esample of one of those crazy Greeks who we would all do well to learn from. He always speaks his mind and it never take him very long.

Phillips is in the news this week because the so-called neo-Nazis of the British National Party have announced that they are boycotting a Buckingham Palace Garden Party to which they have been invited because of the likelihood that he will be there. They have said in a statement that "we do not wish to be associate with estremists, racists, nutters in general, or people who make slitty-eye faces or the jokes about suntans and nig-nogs. The British Nazi Party is a respectable democratic organization that will have no truck with antiquated reactionary ideologies and does not think Dukes should be allowed on platforms or that Prince is even a proper name, escept for a dog. Political estremists of all stripes should be sent back to wherever they come from or hunted down like Jews."

This, I think, show an utter lack of sense of humour on the part of the BNP, not to mention a lack of respect for the less important members of the royal family. Have they already forgotten Prince Harry's swastika armband, Prince Williams's aryan good looks, Prince Charles's adoration of Albert Speer, Lady Diana's tribute to Jorg Haider? I, for one, would kill any number of my own family, or indeed the royal family, to get a chance to meet the Duke of Earl. He is what every modern monarch (or monarch's wife) should be. He is tall, like Michelle the Obama, he have a grimacey smile like Hillary the Clinton, and he is bald, like Laura the Bush. But more importantantly, he uphold traditional British values which the British themselves have seem to forget, such as anti-intellectualism, killing things, and awkwardness in social situations, the major English character trait and which esplain why, historically, the English was always preferring killing people to meeting them, all the better if it could be done from a distance, such as over Dresden.

I look at our own dear king, the doting and moribund Juan-Carlos, and I wish that we could do a swap. Prince Phillips look like a thrusting dynamo in comparison. He is Patrick Swayze to Juan-Carlos's Farrah Fawcett. I bet that if Prince Phillips had been king of Spain during El Tejerazo, he would not have peed in his trousers and told the army to get back to the barracks. No! He would have rub his thighs in delight and say "Bring it on, you beauty!" or whatever the English aristocracy is saying whenever it daydream about the mass slaughter of the working class. In fact, I think he would have been leading the coup himself, with his trusty shotgun in his hand shooting down the peasants like pheasants and the pheasants like grouse.

The British Nazi Party need to take a good look at themselves and laugh. That is what Prince Phillips would do.

Maybe that is why they are too scared to go. He would outwit them.

Is a joke!

False Pope Visits Israel, Condemns Jews, Muslims, to Hell

Is the Usurper Pope in a Usurper State!

All the papers this week are being raging about the news of the False Pope, Benedinct, and his visits to the bit of Palestine called Israel and the bits of Palestine called Palestine in order to finally bring peace to that dreadful place, although his real message to the world, obviously, is that if everyone was Catholic, none of this would be happening. And also to laugh up his sleeve at people of other religions killing one another. Like all popes, false or not, I'm sure he is totally in favour of that.

This was always going to be being a delicate trip for the pope, one of the reasons why he did not call for the annihilation of Israel while he was there. As a former Nazi and the leader, or fuhrer, of a religion that, until recently, correctly condemn all Jews as deicides, responsible for the executing of Jesus, he was having his work cut out to make a convincing case for the Holocaust. Fortunately, he have the sense to take a middle line, not going the way of the total deniers and pretending that nothing untoward happened in Poland in the 1940s; nor going the other route of saying, "Yes, we killed millions of Jews. What of it?" which is the attitude of most Germans of his generation. Instead, he recognize his obligation, as leader of a mainly non-German church, to acknowledge the Holocaust without taking any responsibility for it or saying sorry, which to me seem very sensible indeed. After all, his main responsibility as fake head of the Catholic Church is to all the world's Roman Catholics, many of whom are not German and did not directly take part in the Holocaust. Indeed, many Roman Catholics who were around at the time in France, Italy, Poland, Czaechoslovakia, and so on, all lost Jewish neighbours during the war and were forced to watch in the streets as they were dragged off and put on trucks and carted off to who knows where and never seen again. What do they have to apologize for?

Si. Is very important to recognize that the False Pope is in the Middle East NOT as a former Nazi but as the head of the universal church, and therefore it is wrong to criticize him, as some have done, for his wartime indiscretions. What's more, we shouldn't be distracted from the real issue here, which is the False Pope's illegitimate reign of terror that renders all statements he makes on behalf of Catholics entirely without validity. People need to get some perspective.

A few years after the Real Pope, John Paul Mark Two, was kidnapped and usurped, a Holocaust survivor named Idit Tzirir described how a young seminary student named Karol Wojtyla trudged through the snow for miles carrying her on his back after her release, emaciated and suffering from tuberculosis, from a German labor camp. At the time, we all knew that this was an attempt by the Benedinct cabal to smear John Paul's good name among true Catholics, but consider now how useful that story might have been from a PR point of view if it had been John Paul still in power today visiting Israel and not the admitted former Hitler Youth member Benedinct, who might have come across Tzirir in the snow and shot her!

Anyway, I am see also that the Vatican has been making statements defending the usurper Benedinct's anti-Nazi credentials. It is saying that some of the pope's best friends are Jews, and also it is saying, "for Christ's sake, give it a rest. Do you espect him to mention the Holocaust EVERY time he visit a synagogue? Is only the Jews who do that!" And also, to appease the Israelis, Benedinct made an important statement to the Palestinians, telling them to stop throwing stones at Israeli tanks. And also to stop persecuting Christians. After all, Palestine really belong to them.

The Middle East truly is a minefield, even if you have the best will in the world, so imagine what it must be like for the False Pope. Every step he take is accompanied by a BOOM! And yet still he walks among us, spreading his false creed. The only esplanation can be that he is the anti-christ himself, which is what I have said all along.

Him or Barack the Obama. I am not able to decide. Maybe both.

Scratch an Anarchist and a Fascist Bleed!!

No, Silly, is not Cirque du Soleil. Is Mussolini being hanged by the Garibaldis!

Whenever peoples are asking me to esplain to them the intricicasies of the Spanish Civil War for Golf, I always tell them, "ask your priest!" But sometimes they are persisting, because it is all too complex for even a man of the cloths to understand, and besides they know that I will give them the truth, rather than an impartial, objective "historical" account.

What they are all wanting to know is: How come the Trostskyists and the Anarchists were both fighting for the republic yet were also Fascists, as the Soviet Union said. Also, how come the Soviet Union was betraying the Spanish working class and undermine its revolution when it was meant to be the vanguard of the international proletariat. Also also how come the Generalísimo's best fighters in the crusade for Christian Spain were the Moors who he set loose upon fellow Spaniards to do the pillage, rape, torture, and murder for Christianity. How come also the Irish was fighting on both sides? And where were the crazy Greeks? And many other such intriguing questions that the war throw up like undigested liver and onions.

First of all, I make them sit them down, and then I make them stand up again and go to the bar and buy me a Cardenal Mendoza. And when they come back I esplain to them that the war was really a very big and sad misunderstanding that was mainly the result of the fact that a large proportion of the people of Spain, such as the Basques and the filthy Catalans, did not speak Spanish properly, and as a consequence there was lots of crossed lines, faux pas like the bombing of Guernica, and other summary massacres that was really just lapses in etiquette. Because, what you are having to understand about the Spanish people as a whole, is that all of them are, in reality, natural fascists, like all peoples in other countries too, especially the Irish, who I espect were fighting on both sides just to make sure.

All this confusement about the war was brought to mind by the comments of the mad crazy anarchists and fascists who have been leaving comments on my blog over the past few weeks. On the one hand, there have been peoples such as Poutsas, who claim to be an anarchist and then call me a "stupid cunt," which is unusually florid and angle-saxton language to hear from anyone of the politically correct persuasion these days. And then, on the other hand, there is peoples like Neonazi Greek and Greek Nazi who use language that is either much too educated and correct grammatically for a proper fascist, or else they describe engaging in filthy disgusting homosexual practices that I thought was only allowed in Masonic rituals! You can see how easy it is for people to get the wrong end of the stick when there are fascist thug anarchists and genteel homoerotic Nazis. How are the police going to know which ones to beat about the head?!

Which all bring me back of course to Benighted Benito, pictured above doing political gyrations for which he was well known. Mussolini begin his political career as a socialist and syndicalist but only later did he see the light and become true to his nature and adopt fascism. He was realizing that very often people's purported political beliefs are really just a disguise, a justification for their resentments, grudges, and self-interest. Instead of pretending to be principled and idealistic, he decided to be sincere about his prejudices and biases. If you happen to know any fascists yourself, you will know already that they are all always very honest. They hate intellectuals and people who are better educated than themselves, and they hate people who have more money than them, and they hate women and foreingers, and they hate liberals, and they hate the Jews. In other words, they are just like everybody else, with the difference that they make no effort to conceal their feelings. They are like you only more sincere!

This is why Mussolini had to be hanged and beaten like a pinata, of course. Because honesty always makes people uncomfortable. And also because of all the people he killed. But at least the people he killed knew he had integrity, whereas when the anarchists was killing people, they were not only committing murder, they was also doing it in Bad Faith. Think how their victims must have felt!

Yes, war between fascists is a terrible, terrible thing. And yet, somehow, it seem to be so right!