Friday, March 19, 2010

Look! Is My Mate!

Spread it on your Bread of Heaven!

Did you see the story on the communist liberal BBC about the family in Wales that are find the image of Our Lord on the lid of something call Marmite? No? Neither did I. But thanks to Daphne's sharp eyes, we can all now see what can only be further proof that the end of civilization is upon us. Oh yes indeed. Anyone with half a brain can see what is happening here. So let me tell you. First we was having the Jesus toast. Then later we was having, in my very own home, the sign of the dolphin under the coffee cup. After that, we was having the miracle of the Padre Pio butter. And now we have the Our Lord in Marmite. Anytime soon, mark my word, we can espect to see the following: Passionfruit jam, Pain au Chocolat, and Crossants. That is right. Prepare yourselves for The Last Breakfast.

The table have already been prepare by George W. Bush and his nutters, who have made sure the global economy is descend into chaos, the Antichrist is in charge of the White House, and the False Pope is leading the One True Faith into a miasmi of doubt and despair as all the revelations about false priests being tempted by Satan drip into the public conscienceness like so many beads of diseased sperm on the tongue of an innocent child.

At least, that is what I am think this means. Because when I look again at the Marmite, I am think I also possibly see not Our Lord but maybe the rubbish symbol of the forthcoming London Olympics, the one with Lisa Simpson giving a man a blow job. Or possibly the man on the left is tossing off a bloke in a wheelchair, which would be more appropriate, I think, as the symbol of the Paralympics, not the Proper Olympics. I am only suggest this because, as pictures of Jesus go, he is having particularly beady eyes, which even though they follow you around the kitchen like real Jesus eyes, they are also make you wonder if this Jesus is an alien. And that is raise also a significant question: Why don't aliens have beards? Are their spaceships so advance that they have the Gillette Mach Three Turbo technology? Or is it that they fly so fast that they are not get time to even develop a five-the-clock shadow? I think we should be told.

But never mind that, Manuel, you are already saying. What the fuck is Marmite? This is a difficult question, particularly to someone as unsophist as me who have gone out of their way to cultivate ignorance of worldly matters all these years. Well, out of a sense of obligation to both my reader, I was undertake some research, but guess what: It is not mentioned nowhere in the Bible at all. Not even in Leviticus! So I was phone up my next-door neighbours the Mengeles (I could not go round because their house is in quarantine at the moment), and they were put me on to a pharmacist friend of theirs who have spent some time among the natives of Britain doing missionary work and trying to show the idiot British how to dress and behave properly—basic hygience, politeness, stop invading other people's countries, and so on—and according to him, although you are probly not going to believe this, Marmite is a yeast that tastes like beef and which the English are put in their mouths! Si! Drink some water, quick! How fowl and disgusting.

Of course, they are only do this, apparently, because they are run out of cows, thanks to the BSE and the stockpiles they had to burn:

Apparently NOT How They Make Bovril

Once their Twiglet supplies had run out, British people was having nowhere to turn for their dietary yeast—well, nowhere that tasted very nice—and so they were reduce to the consumption of this savoury breakfast spread which you can use on bread, toast, ryvitas, crackers, and water biscuits. But also, if you are already fed up with lamb chops and gammon steak, you can spread it on your meat and pretend that it is sirloin. Especially if you close your eyes. And hold your nose.

Of course, we in civilize Spain have never had this problem. Be cause we know how to treat our cattle.

It could never happen here!


Fat Sparrow said...

"we can all now see what can only be further proof that the end of civilization is upon us"

Didn't the end of civilization already happen in Wales?

phil said...

You need to try proper Marmite, which is known as Vegemite. We have lots of it in my country. It's what is left over after they make beer. You would be welcome to come and lick it all up.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Which one is Jesus, the one on the left or the one on the right?

Manuel Estimulo said...

Hola Sparro!

I am not sure it was ever begin!



Manuel Estimulo said...

Hola Phil!

Is there any animal in it? I am not interest unless there is animal in it.



Manuel Estimulo said...

Hola Daphne!

I was taught that Jesus was all three. Or is that the Cathartic heresy? I am never quite can remember.