Especial School

Mourinho was give the Catalans a Brazilian!

I am sure you was all saw the Champions League semifinals match on Wednesday night, played in Spain's seventh most important city, Barcelona (after Madrid, Seville, Valencia, Toledo, Oviedo, and Pontevedra). I am only now this morning come round from my stupendous party, which have been going on for two nights and which feature nine bottles of Cardenal Mendoza, fourteen Double Corona cigars, and a light salad. Even now, I am barely believe that the UEFA was allow the Inter Milan to get to the final ahead of Barcelona, but who am I to question their judgement. I am sure that they have got some very clever intellectual plan, perhaps an attempt to popularize football among the Italians, which is, I understand, a growing market. Whatever their intentions is, the fact that it succeed at the same time as robbing the Catalans is make the victory all the more sweeter for us neutrals.

Before the second leg was even start, all my neutral friends was very worried. They was telling me that the referee, whose name, apparently, is Homer, would cave in under pressure from the Camp Nou crowd, the way he had in Milano when he courageously was book Carlos Puyol under the advice of the Inter midfield. "Is not a chance he will run the risk of letting Inter win," say my comrade Gonsalvo, who was drink with me in the bar where we watch the match. "There is no police escort for referees in Barcelona. Is a city where the police are too scare to go out." And of course, our worse suspicions was arouse when after less than half the hour, Inter were reduce to ten men when Thiago Motta fobbed off Sergio Busquets with what to all neutrals was look like nothing more than a feeble moribund grandmother refusing a third slice of cake, but which Busquets was make look like a Bruce Lee Iron Fist of Death to the Larynx. Is no wonder Thiago Motta was get hold of Busquets afterwards by the neck and try to choke the cake back out of him. Was totally ungratitude!

So then we was have an hour of sitting on the edge of our seats, masturbating. This was because it was all so tense watching the match that we was need some kind of relief. So we was turn over and watch a Salma de Nora film. This was take our mind off the match no problem, but you can only masturbate so many times in an hour (six, in my case, using ice), so eventually, and languidly, the bar manager was turn back to the football just in time for us to see Gerard Pique, the one who is look like Chandler's room mate Eddie, spin round, get dizzy, and accidentally swing his leg at the ball and it go in the Inter goal.

We will spend several estra months in purgatory for the language we use over the subsequent seven minute, but they are all change when the idiot-genius referee is disallow a perfectly good second goal, which would have put Barcelona into the final, on account of a supposed handball by the otherwise total useless Yaya Touré, who nobody all match could esplain what he was doing on the pitch for, all was become clear in that instant. Was all part of Our Lord's divine plan for him to look like he was handballing when he had not even touch the ball with either arm. Was only his crotch! Was at that point that we all knew Inter was going to the final and that the referee had obviously organize some helicopter rescue or had dig some secret underground tunnel before the match so that he could get out.

Many people have wonder at Jose Mourinho's genius tactic knowledge, and the best esplanation that I have find so far is that he is Portuguese. Because he can decipher the words, it mean that he is have access to all the playbooks develop by the Brazilians which nobody else in Europe have, unless they can find a Portuguese person, who are notoriously thin on the ground but also fat on the bed. Is all very ironic, because, as you are know, the Portuguese language, which is in fact really a Spanish dialect, is another of those public languages, like Catalan, Basque, and cetera, which nobody actually speak at home but which they suddenly start using as soon as there is a Castilian, a priest, or a policeman in the room. Is a way of concealing information from the legitimate authorities, such as where is the guns stached, where are the brothels, and, on this occasion, how to break down the 3-3-1-3 formation, which Mourinho was cleverly do by change his players ten minutes before the start. That is an old Brazil trick!

Anyway, I am not one to glote. Suffice to say that on this occasion, what is go around is come around. Everyone in Ireland is still remember the match against France where Thierry Henry was make a basketball dribble through the Irish defence and the ref was see nothing. Well, Henry was on the bench on Wednesday night, but is only fair, I think, now that the referee should see a handball where there was none, thereby cancelling out Henry's previous crime. Is proof that the Good Lord is move in mysterious ways. But even the Good Lord's moves is not as mysterious as Zlatan Ibrahimovic. At least, that would be true, if he moved!

Is a joke!

Only the Good Die Young!

Why did you take him, Lord? He was only 89.

Of all the terrible appalling news that there have been in recent weeks, such as the small earthquake in China, the volcano in irrelevant Iceland, the discovering of life on Neptune, the decision by Dublin Bus to change many of its routes, surely they are all being overshadow by the news yesterday of the premature death of the glorious and incomparable Juan Antonio Samaranch Torelló, the man who invent the Olympic Games and make them what they are today, a beacon of fascism in a world of decadence and feculence.

Even now I am find I am not able to believe that he is gone, and yet the news report is too accurate to be disbelieving: According to ESPN, the Marquess of Samaranch died alone in his bed of a heart attack brought about by masturbating while watching the tennis. What could be more fitting?! Surely this is how he would have wanted to go and how he would like us to remember him. Escept, obviously, it would have been better if it had been the ladies' tennis he was watching, and not Rafa Nadal. Still, nobody could have put it better than as the Marquess's own son, who was say:

"It's the first time I go through this, losing a father, and it's not easy," he said. "If there is a good way to die, I guess it was this way. He had a full life and career. And he loved wacking off"

Si. And who can forget such a glittery career? Here he is in 1956 at a ceremony commemorating dead fascists:



Can you see the flaming torches on the left-hand side? Si! Is where he got the idea from for the Olympic Flame! Here is also the wonderful Marquess being swore in as the Sports Minister in Spain in 1967. Look Also! There is El Generalísimo himselve having a benign watch over proceedings (I also have a benign watch. It is stuck in 1956):



But of course, what Samaranch will mostly be remember for is for the way he took a stupid communist French idea about promoting peace among nations through sports events in which their citizens would participate as amateur idiots and was able to transform it into a powerhouse steamtrain of propaganda for competition, professionalism, the Triumph of the Will, battering the weak into submission, the glorification of youth, strength, power, speed, money, and drugs. The degenerate French Baron de Coubertin said (in French)

L'important dans la vie ce n'est point le triomphe, mais le combat, l'essentiel ce n'est pas d'avoir vaincu mais de s'ętre bien battu.

which mean, if I am translate it correct (although my French is not near as well as my English)

The important thing in life is NOT the winning, but the struggle, the main thing is not to have been victorious but to have done your best.

What a crockleshit! Thank God the Marquess was able to take over power of the Olympic movement! There is no future in such mealy-mouth pacifist defeatist slave-mentality talk such as that. Who will pay to watch noncompetitive sport?! Only the Scandinavians. And if you do not believe me, the proof is in the fact that it was after Samaranch take over the International Olympic Committee that finally the Games become profitable. Because the Marquess was understand that the peoples of the world were hungry. And hungry not just for Snickers bars, Coca-Cola, McDonald's hamburgles, and MasterCards. But hungry also for a chance to rub other people's noses in the dirt, to show we are the champions, to show that members of our military or sports academies have the best training facilities, the best physicians, and the best pharmaceuticals in the world. That is why they all go to California.

The Marquess was always understand the importance of sports to nationalism and right-wing politics. And yet, at the same time, he was able to present the Olympic Games as non-political. Where before it had have been a political football being used by the United States grubby capitalists and the Soviet Union filthy communists and the Black September dirty Muslims as a vehicle to score political points, once Samaranch was in control of the Games he was able to depoliticize the events by privatizing them, introducing purely commercial and business interests into his and our bedrooms so that viewers was stop worrying about how many Jews had been killed and focus more on which ladies in the floor exercises have the nicest breasts and buttocks. There is no rumour to the truth, by the way, that Samaranch wanted all the ladies events to be naked, the way they were in Ancient Greece and in his private Olympics which he regularly held in his apartment in Switzerland. Nor is it true that he always espected to be referred to as "His Escellency." I am know for a fact that he was prefer "El Caudillo," "Your Majesty," and "Her Highness." Also he did not live on drinking children's blood.

We can only hope now that the Marquess's legacy will live on in his absence. The next Olympic Games is being held in London, which is in England. That is not an auspicious start. The English are not so good at fascism as the Chinese. The last Olympics was fantastic, wasn't it? And who have the English got in charge? A man name Sebastian. I am think the next Games will be like the book Maidenhead Revisited. An insult to the Olympic ideal, an ideal best captured by this picture, I think:



Is a Nazi U-Boat with the Olympic Symbol on. I take this picture off the coast of Fuerteventura last year. Some of us will not forget.

¡Samaranch, Presente!

If It's Tuesday, It Must Be the Jews!

That Outfit is Sooooooo Last Year!!

Until very recent, I was labour under the misapprehension that a Syllagism was a dessert with sperm in, but it transpire that, for the first time, I was wrong. Is not a syllagism, but a syllogism, and what it is is a logical argument which is construct in such a way that, if the premises is true, then the consclusion is also true, of necessityness. Thus, as was esplain to me by a boy scout friend, is possible to have an argument which is logically valid but not true, if one of the premises is not true, for esample:

All Mens are Fallible
The Pope is a Man, therefore,
The Pope is Fallible,

which follows logically but is not true because the first premise is false. Not all Men are Fallible. The Pope is a Man and he is not Fallible.

Also, is possible to have an argument in which all the Premises is True, but the argument is not valid, such as:

Real Madrid is play in Madrid
Madrid is in Spain, therefore,
Real Madrid is the best team in the world.

You see, the premises and conclusion is all true, but they are not follow logically from one another, and therefore the argument is not valid.

I was force to reflect on the Syllogism by the big row this week because of the statement by the Vatican secretary of state, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone (of course, the communist Guardian was spot it!), who was say that the Child Abuse scandal in the Catholic Church is all the fault of the Homosexuals! I am not sure where the cardinal is getting his information from; I would have thought he was well-place to know what was going on inside the Catholic Church. But whatever way you are look at this statement, it is totally ridiculous! We can only think that he has deliberately being provocative in order just to annoy the Gays or something.

Still, I am still try to parse the Cardinal's argument. Is very difficult to figure out which it is. Is it:

Some Priests are Homosexuals
Some Priests are Paedophiles, therefore,
Some Homosexuals are Paedophiles?

As you can see, this is not work. All the priests who are paedophiles may not be the same ones who are also the homosexuals, and therefore if this is what the cardinal is saying, his argument is not valid. Perhaps then he is saying this:

Some Homosexuals are Paedophiles
Some Homosexuals are Priests, therefore,
Some Priests are Paedophiles

but also this, which if you follow it, is not a valid argument, even if the premises and the conclusion was true. The homosexuals who are paedophiles are not necessarily the same homosexuals who are priests. Therefore, I am led to the conclusion that the Cardinal's argument is this:

All Priests are Paedophiles
Some Priests are Homosexuals, therefore,
Some Paedophiles are Homosexuals.

This argument, as you can see, have the virtue of being valid. However, it also have the vice of not being true! In the first place, the initial premise that all priests are paedophiles is not proven (in Ireland this argument is what they call "Beyond the Pail," meaning only someone who wants to kick the bucket would dare make it). In the second place, the second premise that there are some priests who are homosexual is ALSO false. We know that there are NO homosexual priests because it is not allowed by the Vatican, and for the Cardinal to suggest that there are homosexual priests is a BIG disgrace!

I am think the cardinal has made a major mistake in confusing celibacy, which is not having sex with a lady, with homosexuality, which is not having sex with a lady, but also having sex with a man. Is celibacy with benefits. He is also forgetting that, for centuries, the Vatican has have had a special department, the Vatican Small Arms, or VSA, whose job it is to travel the world looking for Catholic men with short arms and then recruiting them into the priesthood, much like the Buddhists looking for reincarnated llamas. The logic was that men with short arms are less likely to have sex with anyone, including themselves, and therefore are more likely to make good priests, than long-armed men, who are more likely to make good baboons.

Mainly, however, I think, the problem is that the cardinal did not get the Memo, which was tell all clergy that the problem with the Child Abuse scandal is no longer the fault of the homosexuals. Now it is the fault of the Jews. The Cardinal is totally Off-Message! Si. Apparently, the scandal is all the result of a well-orchestrate campaign by Christ-killers; this is, at least, according to quotes attribute to Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto. Strangely, the bishop is now deny having ever said these words, but he does have also a track record, having previously criticize the Jews for esploiting the Holocaust and having also criticize homosexuality, in line with last year's message.

Babini's error, clearly, is one of Premature Anti-Semitism. The Memo which was telling all Clergy to now blame the Jews had not yet reach Cardinal Bertone, but Babini had got wind of it and was speak out of turn, thinking it was already Catholic Doctrine. Red Faces All Round at the Vatican!

So, just to be clear, here is the official doctrine of the Catholic Church for 2010 regarding the Child Abuse scandal:

It was Homosexuals in the Catholic Church responsible for molesting children, but there are no Homosexuals in the Catholic Church, it is all lies made up by the Jews.

There now. I am hope that is all perfectly clear.