Baby Jesus, mild and meek
Grant us all an outlook bleak
Guarantee a life austere
Misery throughout the year
Baby Jesus, barely born
Look upon a world forlorn
Billions facing daily strife
Promise them an afterlife
Through your death upon the cross
Exalt obedience to the boss
Put their suffering into perspective
Serve as an ideological corrective
Baby Jesus, it’s an emergency
Banish the people’s thoughts of insurgency
Justify their deprivation
Self-sacrifice for their edification
Banisher of usurers from the temple
Set for us a good example
Though many moralists still confuse
Honest bankers and filthy Jews.
Baby Jesus, to Earth you came
To show us who we ought to blame
Fornicators, harlots, commies,
Atheists and unwed mommies.
Profligate Greeks who don’t pay taxes
Teen binge drinkers with Brazilian waxes
Rioters in cities, fighting the cops
Liberal clergymen, establishment fops
Immigrants, multiculturalism, violent video games
Public sector workers, Wikileaks naming names,
Bradley Manning, Arab Spring, Wall Street Occupiers
Baby Jesus, damn them all, to brimstone and Hell’s fires.
Better still, O bringer of peace
If it’s not too much trouble, bring blessèd release
Free your people from their insanity
Annihilate the rest of humanity.
May you all have a pious, spartan, and devotional Christmas.